


WIP

by Cool_Conoot



Category: Supernatural
Genre: /s, Angst with a Happy Ending, Autistic Dean Winchester, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Castiel and Dean Winchester are Jack Kline's Parents, Charlie Bradbury Lives, Dean Winchester Has Internalized Homophobia, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Dean Winchester Loves Pie, Dean Winchester Loves The Impala, Dean Winchester is Bad at Feelings, Dean Winchester is Sam Winchester's Parent, Depressed Dean Winchester, Established Dorothy Baum/Charlie Bradbury, Established Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester, Established Gabriel/Sam Winchester, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Multi, Not Canon Compliant, Pie, Stimming, Suicidal Dean Winchester, Suicide Attempt, Timeline What Timeline, internalized ableism
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-14 14:20:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29047548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cool_Conoot/pseuds/Cool_Conoot
Summary: Cas hadn't visited Sam and Dean for months, the two were in the bunker with each other, he hadn't noticed the brothers seeming to drift away from each other, Sam had Eileen and Gabriel and was learning magic from Rowena, so no one seemed to notice when Dean was around less. Sam had noticed Dean was around less but considering his history with hunting more for the purpose of having less free time he just assumed Dean was out, or went on a hunt, or was working on any of the cars or bikes in the carpool the bunker had, he didn't  notice that Dean hadn't gone anywhere for some time.that is until Cas suddenly calls Sam while Sam's out on a hunt saying something about something being wrong, neither of them knew what though.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester, Gabriel/Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester, Gabriel/Sam Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> TW F SLUR AND R SLUR, JOHN WINCHESTER, ABUSE, SELF HARM, SUICIDE ATTEMPT
> 
> song I'm mostly listening to while writing this is Such Small Hands - La Dispute https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q93VsIb4Pzg  
> and All Around Me Flyleaf  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c4Z2rVY8i6Y

It started for Cas with a gut feeling, something bad was going to happen and soon, but he had no idea why, so he called Sam. 

It started for Sam with a phone call from Cas, it filled him with dread, but still neither knew what could possibly be wrong. 

"Sam, where are you, something is wrong, and I'm not sure what, but I know something is, you didn't start another apocalypse or anything did you?" Cas had asked in such a hurried tone, Sam wanted to retort something funny but the sound of dread in Cas's voice stopped him from doing so.

"I'm in Georgia with Gabriel and Eileen, just about to go search for some bones, so I don't think I've got anything to do with it, I don't know where Dean is though, he's either hunting or at the bunker." Sam told him.

"I do believe he's hunting, I called him first, and he didn't answer, if it has something to do with the two of you and Dean isn't answering I suspect it has something to do with him." Cas sighed.

"Head to the bunker, I'll meet you there in a bit, and I'll see if I can get ahold of Dean." Sam told him, hanging up.

And so Cas got to the bunker first, he heard a phone ringing faintly, he followed the noise to Dean's room, the door seemed locked, it took two kicks, but he made it in, a trail of blood dragging on the wall came from the broken mirror, bloody hand smears and splatters on the walls, no Dean in sight.

It started for Dean when he was four years old, the nursery fire that killed his mom, he had walked out and seen his mother burning there on the ceiling before having his baby brother shoved into his arms and John screaming at him to get outside.

It continued three weeks in to being on the road and staying at motels and John hunting when John drunkenly hit him for the first time, he had tried to stop it once when he was five and again when he was thirteen and tried to really fight back. 

Hiding his baby brother in the bathroom or under a bed, a closet even, anything to not let his little brother see him like that, Dean was raising him alone, Dean gave Sam anything he needed when he needed it, stealing food when John had forgotten to give him food money, but when he got caught he told Sammy and anyone else who asked he'd lost it in a poker game, telling only his father they didn't have grocery money because he wasn't given any, he also lied about the bruises on his arms, as long as it kept him and Sammy together, so he could protect him.

Dean was crushed when Sam ditched them for Stanford, John told him how it was all his fault as if he hadn't been absent Sam's entire childhood, but somehow it was still Dean's fault. Eventually, Dean had gotten good enough he could probably beat John in a fight, but when he did that instead of letting himself be a punching bag, John had shot him in the shoulder, told him he would never be a real Winchester.

While Sam was off at college and after John had shot him and abandoned him, he had no distractions to keep himself in check, Sammy probably hated him, and he knew for a fact John did, time healed his shoulder, but he could remember a time when he was taking a blade to his arm on some abandoned road while sitting in Baby, he could remember the multiple times he'd done similar before but never went too deep because he couldn't leave Sammy with that man, he could remember so many times after that, even when his little brother came back to him, putting a gun to his head, but he was terrified of actually doing it, then he was terrified of going back to hell, would he make the same deal over again and start torturing?

Then there was everyone dead because of him, Ellen and Jo, Bobby, so many hunters, so many people he could have saved, hell even John was dead because of him, his own father, and if John was right about Dean was going to be the reason he died, he had to be right about everything else too.

Often did Dean recite a list of the frequent names John called him 

**TW SLURS**

a monster,

a poison,

a demon,

a parasite, 

a whiny bitch, 

a retard,

a pussy,

a fag,

a crybaby, 

the reason everyone around them dies, that one had started in his dreams, only after John died.

**TW OVER**

So once things started to settle down more and Sammy found people he was happy with, John came back into his dreams, he couldn't disagree this time. 

He felt truly alone once again, no John, no Sammy, no Benny, no Cas... for a while he and Benny had gotten together, as more than friends, he loved Benny but even with him Dean never felt whole, but Cas, he would never let himself admit it, especially not out loud, but Cas made him feel more whole, but of course he had to screw that up too. Why had he pushed everyone he loved away he didn't know, so he stayed mostly in his room in the bunker, he had tried to eat whatever Sam had made but all of his non meat stuff or meat replacement foods felt like he was trying to eat handfuls of sand, he had tried to stomach it on multiple occasions before but more than half of those times he could feel the texture linger in his mouth and forced himself to throw it back up and drank an entire case of beer just trying to get the texture out of his mouth. He couldn't eat what food they had for a few months, occasionally sneaking out to grab a burger or anything he could stomach, but he had felt like the task of getting out of bed was getting harder and harder every time he did it, he had stayed in his bed, a drawer in one of his nightstands dedicated to one of his unhealthy coping mechanisms, he usually stocked whatever alcohol he had in the largest drawers of his nightstand, the Colt stored under his pillow with the safety off at all times.

Dean was tired, he had told Sam that so many times, he had told anyone who he cared about that he was tired, he guesses they just didn't believe him, maybe he had said it too much to where they were just used to hearing it.

So when Sam called him asking where he was he lied and said he was out on a hunt and Sam not only believed him but told him that he was also going out on a hunt and would be back in a few days, he decided it was time, he waited a day to make sure, then on the second he couldn't even get his body to move, so the third rolled around and Sam was still gone, he picked up the Colt, a shot to his chest, two letters sitting at the foot of his bed.

But of course it didn’t work, it was too quick and painless, paranoia getting to him, he started digging his nails into the side of his face, he walked outside, on the hill over the bunker, knife in hand, knife to arm, he knew he could get deep enough, having to cut blood out to prove he was human enough times built up an immunity to feeling a pain like that too bad.  
  


He laid under an opening through a canopy of trees, only the moon and stars to be a final judgement.   
  


He never thought anyone might come looking for him, especially not the Angel he believed hated him so much he couldn’t even be around him, he had heard his name being called before seeing the man himself, it was like he blinked and Cas was on top of him, the next time his eyes opened he was still looking up at Cas, but they were no longer in under the stars, but in a blindingly white building, Cas carrying him, the next he was looking up at strangers taking him somewhere, he wondered which reaper might take him, whether he would go back to heaven or hell.   
  


The next time he woke up, he could barely open his eyes, but he could feel a hand entangled in his own, he could almost feel the grace emanating from it.   
  


It felt like sleep paralysis, but there was no John Winchester yelling at him this time, Castiel sat up and the hand left his, the silent disapproving face of John showing up in the corner of the room.   
  


“You are an idiot, Dean, just not for the reasons you think, you’re an idiot for thinking Sam would be better off without you- that I would be better off without you. You’re a fool to think you actually deserved everything your father said or did to you. You are an idiot for thinking missing you is temporary.” Cas told him, but he didn’t respond, he just laid there.   
  


“You should be dead right now, that came out wrong, any normal human should be dead right now, Dean. You clawed out half one of your eyes, and you cut your wrist open almost to the bone, put a bullet through your chest probably with the Colt, you’ve starved yourself longer than what should be humanly possible. There is a reason you are alive beyond your understanding, that even I don’t understand yet.” Cas added. 

Dean heard him, but he couldn't say he was surprised, even demons told him he wasn't quite human, his own father called him a monster for it, and he could never seem to dead for too long, whether it was John burying him alive or beating him to death, starving, committing suicide, being shot, being stabbed, going to hell, going to heaven, going to purgatory, he never stayed dead for long, but was he so much of a monster he lived even after shooting himself with the Colt?

"You're probably too tired to speak, rest, I'm going to take you somewhere for a while." Cas told him, he closed his eyes and felt Cas touch his forehead, making him finally drift off into a sleep without nightmares.

Dean woke up again in a room he didn't recognize, it was some time in the afternoon, he could hear someone talking on the phone, "have you found anything on beings compelled to help humans that can breed with humans? Yes I know its oddly specific that's why it should be easy to find, so have you found anything? That's disappointing." he heard the call end and the phone vibrate, Cas seemed to answer and immediately ask

"have you found anything I had asked you to look for? What does that mean? Oh? Why? You don't have to shout. That's quite interesting, I have seen it happen, but I assumed all humans do the same. Okay, and what am I supposed to do with that information? Don't use it? Well I wasn't planning on it considering what you just said. I can't tell you whether to tell or what to tell Sam, I don't even know if Dean knows, and its about him. trying to see if he already knows would also work, yes. Yes, i will try to be less blunt about it, and Jack, you'll talk to him after Sam? Thank you, Charlie, and please explain to Gabriel how you explained to me." Cas ended the call.

Without any nightmares Dean was able to wake up unnoticed, but it was very much noticed when the half of the conversation he heard sent him spiralling down a train of thought called "they know how irrepairable i am now and are going to figure out why i wont die so they can put me down like John had tried to do," 

"Dean, try to breathe, please, you're okay, you're going to be okay, just breathe." Cas's voice had told him, hand on his shoulder, he was sat upright, his own hand attempting to claw at his face, but he was stopped, he tried to get out of the feeling of hands on him, how itchy his shirt felt, whatever horrid texture was touching his face, the scratchy socks that were too tight and one that was rolled down, his eyes felt like they were on fire, the room was too bright, the blankets so itchy, and the feeling of his legs being held down so he couldn't get up and run was the only thing keeping him aware of his surroundings.

"See what i told you, boy! youre nothing but a worthless re*ard and everyone can see it! You're going to die by your f*gg*t boyfriend's hands because youre nothing more than a monster to them, as it should be." John said from next to him, he knew he wasn't really there, somewhere he knew it.

"Dean, you're safe, I could never hurt you, please just breathe." a hand holding his hands to his chest, "you're going to be safe, just take a few breaths for me, I'll keep you safe." a few minutes pass and Dean seems to calm down, Cas is straddling his legs and holding his hands to his chest by his wrists, Dean keeps his eye closed and just lays there finally being able to enjoy the weight of someone on him.

"Are you alright?" Cas asked with that concerned look oh his face that Dean never had to see to know was there, Dean doesn't feel like speaking is an option so he just nods his head, Cas tries to lift his hands away from Dean's and Dean ignores his head screaming at him not to and pulls Cas to lay on top of him, the weight of Cas on his chest stops his hands from shaking so much, he rests his hands holding to Cas's shoulders.

"Would you like me to stay here on top of you for a while?" Cas was met with a nod in the crook of his neck, "I'll stay for a while, but you have to let me change your bandages in return."

Cas stayed there for long over an hour, but decided he needed to get Dean some food and some actual water or juice instead of alcohol, and change the bandages on his face. Dean made an undescribable noise when Cas sat back up, it was similar to how a child might whine if you took away their favorite stuffed animal.

"I'll be back, I just want to get you food and new bandages for your head, I'll be right back after that and I can lay right back down if you want me to. I'm going to ask what you want, if you still dont feel up to talking knock on the wall one for yes and twice for no." Cas told him, heading to the kitchen, they used what Cas had told him and ended up with microwave rice with some tuna mixed in and a juice pouch, Cas didn't know why they would put juice in a pouch, but Charlie said Dean would like them, Charlie did pick out all the food Cas had gotten for Dean after all

Cas helped Dean sit up again and Cas sat back down on Dean's legs, he put the bandages on the nightstand for after Dean was finished eating, Cas trying to help him eat but Dean trying to refuse because he was embarassed to have to be fed by someone else, but because he hadn't had anything but alcohol in weeks his hands wouldn't stop shaking enough to hold anything but the juice pouch.

"Dean, I understand being vunerable enough to let someone feed you is difficult, but I want to take care of you, so please," Cas had looked sincere, so Dean swallowed his pride and let Cas feed him. 

"I'm going to talk to you about something while I bandage your head again." Cas had finally told him by the last bite, Dean nodded, still feeling like his vocal chords had betrayed him and left him alone with Cas. 

Cas started unwrapping the bloodied bandages, "I don't know how much you know about your medical history before you were dragged across the country to hunt, but Charlie wanted to know if you had a family history of depression, you do, but that is not what Charlie needed to talk to me about, Dean, do you know what autism is?" Dean nodded, Lisa had talked to him about it after finding out Ben was autistic, he just thought Ben had picked up more of his traits than Lisa's. "So are you aware you were diagnosed with it before your mother died?" That made Dean pause, he didn't, though Lisa had told him how similar him and Ben were, he didn't think it had anything to do with him, thinking back, Lisa was probably trying to ask him not just tell him about it. Dean slowly shook his head, he couldn't seem to meet Cas's eyes.

"I thought you would have known, you told me while you were drunk once that John called you 're*arded' frequently, and Charlie said it was a derogatory term that was used in the previous century to describe autism before they called it that." Cas told him, finishing up wrapping his face back up. "Would you like me to lay on top of you again after you get confortable?" That answer Dean is sure of and he nods his head. 

Cas stands up off the bed and goes to throw the bloody bandages away, Dean finally gets the horrid socks off, he made sure the blanket he hated touching wouldn't touch him while he slept, and took off the offending shirt, it was clearly not his own, it was then that he realized he only had underwear on not pants, it was then Cas came back and handed him a duffel bag of his clothes, Dean got up to go to the bathroom and change, almost stumbling, he decided on one of his favorite Led Zepplin shirts and a pair of fuzzy hotdog pants he hadn't seen before, when he comes back he gives Cas a questioning glance.

"I had gotten them for you for your birthday on the 24th, but I couldn't give them to you unconcise." Cas told him, it stung but he was the one who tried to kill himself on his birthday, so he couldn't really argue.

He crawled back into bed, Cas getting back on top of him once he was comfortable. 

Dean woke up with a jump, Cas was sitting on the edge of the bed with his hand on Dean's chest, Cas letting him know he was safe.

"Where are we?" Dean forced himself to speak.

"A cabin, I will not tell you where because in your state of mind I do not want you going anywhere without me." Cas told him, knowing Dean would need to know eventually, "before you ask, everyone is safe and at the bunker, but I want- everyone wants to make sure you aren't a danger to yourself before we go back, including telling me if something makes you uncomfortable." 

the noise of Cas's phone ringing sounded before Dean could attempt to say anything, Cas picked up, keeping his eyes locked with Dean's. "Hello, Charlie. Yes I did talk to Dean. You have something for Dean? I cannot tell you the location, would you prefer I grab it now or would you like me to text you the location? Okay." 

"don't move." Cas ordered Dean, he dissapeared for a minute and surprised Dean when he was back, he had two boxes in one of his hands and a plate in the other, Sam's cooking.

"Sam asked me to bring you this, I wasn't sure you would like it but he insisted. Its eggs and 'vegan bacon,' but I'm not sure what that is." Cas told him. 

Dean took the plate, thanking Cas and eating the eggs, Sam always messed up eggs but he was just procrastinating getting to the fake meat, Sam was a vegetarian, which was fine by Dean, but he couldn't stand the way fake meat felt when he tried to eat it. 

"You know I can sense your emotions, right? You don't have to eat it if you do not want to." Cas told him, sitting on the edge of the bed.

Dean set the plate on the nightstand, leaving only the flaky edges from the eggs and Sam's bacon. Cas smiled, the smile was sincere but it made Dean uneasy, it made him feel like Cas was forcing being nice to him and treating him like a child so he wouldn't feel bad if Dean tried to kill himself again. 

"You can stop thinking whatever it is you're thinking right now. I think its time to get out of bed, your body is still struggling to heal so we are just going to sit on the couch and watch something." Cas helped Dean stand, making sure he wouldn't fall down, he picked up the boxes, one covered in green wrapping paper and with a twine bow, the other in the same paper but had little doodles all over it. Dean leaned on the arm of the couch, Cas sitting unneccisarily closely next to him.

The green papered box with the drawings was handed to him, he made a noise somewhere between a greatful sigh and an upsetting cry, written on it was "Happy BDay Dean, From Jack (and Gabriel)" he made sure not to rip the paper, opening the box inside, there were snacks, mostly fruity candy but it also had some chocolate, Gabriel had rcently gotten Jack on the candy train, and Jack always wanted to give a piece to Dean, figuring out what he did and didn't like, Dean's face had a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

Cas handed him the other box, "you've aged :p from Charlie and Eileen (and Sam but not really, he said you didn't like celebrating your birthday but we threw in what he got you too)" this one didn't have anything special on it so ripping it wasn't a concern, at the top there was another thing wrapped in newspaper and he knew it was a silent gift from Sammy, he looked at what Charlie and Eileen gave him before opening the one from his little brother, Sam knew he hated his birthday but occasionally silently gave him something, always wrapped in newspaper, the box wrapped in green paper contained small toys, fidget toys, he recalled, Charlie really liked them and Sam had had a fidget spinner at one point, but the sound bothered Dean to no end, he messed around with a few of them before remembering Sam's gift.

he opened it to find an ipod, he remembered Sammy douching baby out with one like it, there were also a pair of earbuds stuffed in with it, he figured Sam had already put Dean's type of music on it, knowing that was something his little brother would do, he raised Sam from an infant, he once knew everything about that kid, the gift made him happy but also gave him an upsetting dose of nostalgia. 

"I was the one who told them when your birthday was, Sam had only known it was sometime in January, I was under the impression you didn't know either." Cas told him, Dean wiped his eyes.

"I knew it was later January, was never allowed to celebrate it since I was four, so I just... Forgot. It wasn't important to anyone so I forgot." Dean let out, voice wavering. 

"But Sam knows his birthdate?" Cas questioned. 

"Dad gave him a cupcake for his birthday every year around May second, not always on the right day, but it always happened, but I was the one who gave him little presents every year. So of course I remembered Sammy's birthday, he's my little brother." Dean told him, subconcisely messing with one of the toys Charlie and Eileen gave him, he didn't want to talk about it further and Cas could tell it hurt to talk about.

"I'll let you pick what you would like to watch, I am unfamiliar with the television." Cas had given Dean an out of the conversation and that was how they spent the day, watching bad tv shows on the couch, Cas grabbing Dean food from the kitchen, lunch was small just a pouch of applesauce "what is it with humans and putting things in pouches" Cas had commented, which had made Dean almost laugh, Dinner was the same thing as the previous night, Dean hadn't opened anything from Jack and Gabe yet, but Cas was just happy he'd gotten him to eat three different things that day. 

Everything seemed fine, until a man had hit a child on whatever show seemed the least boring, Dean was happy with whatever chick flick came on as long as it wasn't 'Dr Sexy MD' which got ruined when he had to be in it and got shot, but the child getting hit by their dad had immediately sent Dean back to his own father hitting him, the differnce was the father was hit for hitting the child in the show, but no such help would ever stop John, he recalled a day when John had hit him to the ground after he had dug himself out of a grave "too soon" after being burried alive, which the thought of made everything worse, he could feel the dirt in his mouth, covering his lungs when he tried gasping for air, it was so heay every time it happened he didn't think he could get out. 

Cas had tried to snap him out of it, it wasn't working, so Cas just sat with him on the floor and made sure he didn't hurt himself further, talking to him about anything that might help him calm down, the TV long sice turned off.

Dean shifted and slumped towards Cas, who reached out his hand to put under Dean's chin, Dean took his hand and made a tapping motion to his forehead.

"You want me to read your mind?" Cas asked, Dean nodded lowly in return, making the angel sigh and do as Dean had asked.

_"You can leave, I know you don't want to deal with this,"_ Dean had told him, being unable to speak was difficult but this way he didn't have to use his energy just to communicate.

"Don't assume to know what I want, my reasons for remaining here are beyond your current understandings." Cas had said to him, tone darkening. 

_"Well then make me understand, because there is no reason you have to stay here, no reason you should have to take care of me."_ Dean had tried to argue. 

"I am here because i choose to be here, i want to stay with you, I understand you are incapable of fully understanding that someone could want that right now, but I promise you I am here because I choose to be here." Cas's low voice scared him somewhat, he tried to swallow the lump in his throat, "to put it simply, I have touched your soul, in a metaphor you might like more than that, I'm you and you are the car you call baby, you are mine."

Mark Dean down as scared and horny because as possessive and hot as that was, it scared him. Cas scared him. Letting himself be under someone else's control scared him. He craved to be taken care of by the man in front of him and he was scared of what that meant, what that would mean if Cas ever got tired of him. He had wrecked and put that car back together, including all her imperfections, and imagining that he could be that to someone else, to an angel, made him feel like the most loved but insignifigant thing in the world. 

"I can still hear your thoughts and feelings, Dean." it was kind of embarassing but knowing someone actually could get possessive over him made him ignore the wish that the floor would swallow him and he wouldn't have to feel embarrassed. oh yeah, Cas is still listening.

"you don't have to feel embarrassed, perhaps I could have worded it less sexually." Cas told him. 

_"wasn't a complaint, just got me a bit embarrassed, my dad would kill me- literally- for talking with someone like this, especially with the guy meatsuit- I don't care about the meatsuit- I want to stop calling it a meatsuit- its just embarassing to talk to someone after being told for so long that I'm a monster for wanting to express any emotions."_ Dean had thought, his train of thought faultering at some points. 

"I would like to propose a deal, once you are healed more and after you talk to Sam, we can discuss the sexual tension that seems to come between us, until then you will let me take care of you as I have been, and you can be more comfortable being more intimate around me, are those terms acceptable?" Cas asked, Dean nodded, thoughts quieting because all he wanted was to trust and let go of how uptight and scared he was all the time, and thats what was being offered to him, and he didn't have to think all the time when it was someone he trusted giving him orders, he actually found that he liked it quite a bit, sexually or not, it was... comforting.

"I think its time you went to bed for now, you can sleep or we can just sit there, but its time to get off the floor, tomorrow we can make pie and you can bathe." Cas told him, getting him up off the floor, grabbing the box from Charlie and Eileen and helping Dean onto the bed, the plate from breakfast ended up in the sink and cas replaced it with the fidget toys.

The two stayed up for a while longer, Dean looking through the box, a note shoved at the bottom that said "STIM TOYS" and said hosw some of them worked, the rectangle with squares folded into a cube and folded back out, and two tangles one with textures and one regular one, and some biting ones that he had made the comment "I'm not a dog,' which he was reluctant to try at first but Cas had wanted him to give all of them a chance so he did, he actually liked the chewy ones, still feeling the need to say he wasn't a dog, there was also some stress balls, some of them had some sort of liquid or slime in them and some had beads, he liked the fidget cube, the chewlery, and the puzzle ball where you have to put the right color in the right hole ones the best, he knew Charlie was the one who picked out the chewy things because of one night she'd caugh him biting his hand when he was worried about sam who was on a hunt without him for one of the first times since they'd been at the bunker.

but eventually he was too tired to mess with any of them, falling asleep with Cas in his arms, Cas still didn't sleep but he enjoyed listening to Dean's heart and breathing while he slept, which was much better and more comfortable than standing in the corner and watching him sleep.

Cas knew he couldn't make all Dean's depression and PTSD go away, but he was content in just getting through day after day with him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Self harm mention, and a panic attack, mentions of abuse, Cas wanting to drag John Winchester to hell where he belongs

Dean woke up to the smell of Cas, who smelled like dirt, which Dean wasn't too fond of after having a few too many mouthfuls of before, the woods after a storm, which smelled good, and a warmth that was hard to describe. Dean started a gentle hum, Cas noticing it wasn't his usual style of music, but it was nice. 

"What song is that?" Cas asked him, he just kept humming, eventually getting to a quiet singing.

"Thrown at me so powerfully, just like she throws with the arm of her brother, 

But I want it, it's a crime that she's not around most of the time

The way she shows me I'm hers, and she is mine, open hand or closed fist would be fine, the blood is rare and sweet as cherry wine

Her fight and fury is fiery oh but, she loves like sleep to the freezing, sweet and right and merciful, I'm all but washed in the tide of her breathing

And its worth it, its divine, I have this some time

The way she shows me I'm hers, and she is mine, open hand or closed fist would be fine, blood is rare and sweet as cherry wine." Dean sang to Cas, who just listened to him.

"Are you attempting to serenading me?" Cas asked him.

"I don't know, are you enjoying it?" Dean thinks for a moment as if deciding on another song, 

"It was a little sad for a serenade, but yes," Cas answer him, 

"The song- Cherry Wine- just popped into my head, I'll sing you happier songs when I think of them, okay?" Dean admitted, Cas nodded, enjoying the thought that Dean might sing to him again.

"You can go shower, I'll be here when you're ready, and I'll wrap your head again, just don't touch it, and skip washing your hair, so you don't get shampoo in it," Cas instructed him, "and if you need help you will tell me." That was an order, Dean did a mock salute and walked into the bathroom.

Dean stood in the bathroom for a moment, taking his clothes off, in front of a mirror starting with his shirt, he looked disgustedly at what laid underneath, his sight wasn't as blurry as when he put pajamas on, and he could actually get a good look at himself now, and it didn't look great, he was thinner, ribs jutting out more, the gunshot to his chest was trying to heal, matched with healing cuts which lined his arms and upper arms along with scars, he had to start with unwrapping his wrists, long jagged angry lines running up and down his forearms and more going the opposite directions, a few burns and bite marks to compliment.

His face was next, unraveling it slowly, the deepest parts were scratched off layer by layer, he could remember doing it, half of his eyebrow was scratched off along with some of his eye, just like Cas had told him. 'So now the outside matches the ugly inside, how poetic,' he thought to himself.

He looked at his pants next, all the slices that the fuzzy pajama pants hide, he wore longer underwear ever since he was younger because it was less likely to get infected if it had something at least covering it in between his ripped skin and his usual jeans. 

He didn't know when he fell on the floor, but he was certain he was on it now, everything felt like it was in slow motion, he was on the ground, he caught the sight of his hands which refused his command to stop shaking, slowly dripping with someone else's blood, he didn't notice the door opening, but flinched the moment a pair of hands touched his shoulders, he saw John there, shaking him, or maybe he was just shaking, his eyes scrunch as if waiting for a punch that had yet to come, he tried to back up to the wall behind him. 

Cas had run in the room when he heard something break and felt the distress in the air, Dean on the floor looking at his hands as if the very sight of them was painful, he put his hands on Dean's shoulders and Dean took a moment before meeting his eyes, fear was the emotion that clouded his face, Cas was trying to assure him that he was safe, but the message never seemed to reach his ears, the terror in Dean's eyes didn't falter when he backed himself into the wall, turning away like he was trying to avoid a punch, Cas got the message and backed off.

This was something Cas couldn't help, he could force him to sleep, but that wouldn't fix anything, he especially couldn't help without having to see that look on Dean's face, he knew that look, he could practically feel who Dean had thought he'd seen, he wanted to fly up to heaven and beat the man whose mere image made his human scared down through his very soul, he wanted to drag the soul of John Winchester down to hell where he belongs with his own two hands, but he couldn't leave Dean alone like that in a bathroom with shards of a broken mirror, he refused to leave him there.

With the snap of his fingers the glass was put back together and Cas threw a towel over it just to cover it up, eventually Dean started to calm down, Cas got up from his seat against the other side of the wall where Dean sat and went to him, his eyes were closed, and he was trying to catch the last bit of breath he'd lost, his forehead covered in sweat, making him wince occasionally when some got into the scratches on the side of his face, his hands still shook, fingers turned a shade of purple, hands bearing raw and bloody bite marks.

Cas started the water and put the plug in the drain, feeling it to make sure it was an alright temperature for his human, he hoisted his body up, holding him under his knees and back, snapping to get the last of his clothes off before setting him gently in the still filing up bathtub, Cas ditched the tie and everything over his shirt, rolling the sleeves up while the water rose, shutting the water off to not let it get too high. 

"I'm going to wash the blood off," Cas took one of Dean's hands in his own, grabbing a sponge and wetting it before gently dragging it down the arm, washing the blood away, eyes watched him as Cas narrated before doing something, telling him it would feel warm on his skin, telling him before he brushed over anywhere it would hurt him, right hand's fingers entwined with his right hand, left hand holding the sponge, eventually doing the same with Dean's other arm.

"I'm going to touch your face," he once again narrated, holding Dean's face in his hand, starting to clean up his face, Cas for the most part ignored the scars and the tattoos, being cautious around the cuts, but he paused when his eyes finally got a good look at a dog tattoo just on his chest over his ribs, all of Dean's tattoos were a specific style- black and white watercolor sketch- but there was something about the dark dog, it had large antlers, they weren't very tall, but they were wide, which gave Cas a moment of pause.

"Hellhounds don't have antlers, why put antlers on a dog?" Cas asked, Dean couldn't answer, he just shrugged lightly with what little energy he had, leaving Cas to question without any answers.

He looked back to the tattoo on the inside of Dean's right upper arm, a man trapped or perhaps chiseled out, only above his waist was exposed from the stone, head thrown back, one wing out stretched, Dean had once drunkenly admitted him it was of the angel himself, he let him soak for a minute, just sitting next to him and holding his hand, eventually Cas let the water drain, helping the other out and into some comfortable clothes, laying the tired man onto the bed, to which he fell asleep almost immediately which usually never happened.

It was near noon, but Cas decided to start baking a pie, mostly because it would help make up for the fact that Dean hadn't eaten yet and is asleep, so he can't eat lunch, deciding on what type of pie was the only question that remained, Dean didn't have any obvious favorite, so he would have to decide himself. 

It was around four when Dean woke up, Cas was covered in flour and had pulled an apple pie out of the oven which was chilling on the table. Cas walked over to Dean with a slice of pie in his hands, setting it gently on the nightstand.

"What happened this morning?" Cas tried to ask him, Dean was at a loss for words, knowing exactly what happened and why it happened but unable to convey what or why.

"It's complicated, I don't know how to talk about it," Dean told him truthfully.

"Can you tell me why you thought I was going to hit you? Why you looked at me and saw John Winchester and thought at the very sight of him you were in immediate danger?" Cas asked yet another question.

"That's a big question, Cas." Dean paused, the shaking that never seemed to go away returning. "When humans are forced to experience bad shit enough times, it tends to leave a mark, like when Sammy got out of Lucifer's cage and kept seeing him everywhere, it's like that but more spaced out, usually caused by something else that brings back a memory of what happened." Dean explained to the angel as best he could. 

"Why did you think John would hit you?" the question made Dean almost laugh.

"The man hit me almost every time I was around him for a long enough period of time, he buried me alive more times than I'd care to remember, he's even shot me on occasion, he used me as bait for whatever monster was hungry, he's left me to raise Sammy alone and left me to find ways to make money to pay for Sammy's food and school alone since I was little, he took away my chances of being a kid because I was the one who raised Sammy and taught the kid right from wrong, I've been the monster in his eyes since I can remember, what's there to make me think even being near him would be in any way safe?" Dean admitted, he was crying now, and he couldn't seem to bring himself to care.

"Why defend him to Sam? After everything, you still defend him to your brother, to anyone, he's a horrible man, so why do you come to his defense when he doesn't need it?" Cas pushed. 

"Because Sammy doesn't know, Cas," Dean paused for a moment to meet Cas's eyes, "I've been protecting him his entire life from this very thing, he's already gone through so much, he doesn't need to go through this too, if that means calling the man dad and defending him doing shitty things to good people, so be it. I would rather Sammy hated me for things that didn't happen than hating me for all the things I had to do." 

"He is your brother, he deserves to know the truth, he deserves to know you and not just who you pretend to be around others, you have to stop defending a monster and letting yourself be seen as one because you're trying to preserve something that was never real." Cas was angry, furious even, "can't you see what doing this has done to you? How does any of this protect Sam if the cost is taking away his brother." 

Dean didn't say anything, he knew idealizing John in Sam's eyes was crushing him, if Sam had done half the shit he had to he would have shot John so long ago just to keep him safe, he was a hypopcrite and he knew it, but that was his kid, Sam was his kid and he just wanted to keep him away from everything that could hurt him, even if he hurt himself in the process, but Sam wouldn't even know him if he died and didn't get to tell him, he just wished that Sam could know him wihtout all the disgusting shit he's had to do.

"I'll tell him." Dean said, almost in a whisper, Cas just wrapped his arms around Dean's shoulders and held him closer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tattoo references:  
> https://tattmag.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/10/Black-work-Sketch-Tattoo-1.png
> 
> don't have one for the dog
> 
> stylized devils trap:  
> https://favpng.com/png_view/demon-dean-winchester-demonic-possession-tattoo-devils-trap-png/sV8hg4de

**Author's Note:**

> I'm late for Dean's birthday but if it helps I did start writing this on it


End file.
